exicmoocow

God, I binged. I feel so fat I dont want to leave the house, and Im scared to death that Im going to gain all the weight I worked off fasting right back. Holy Hell Im scared. The weird thing is is that my body kinda rejected it. Got not use to having food in it, so It made me throw up some of it. Too bad it was not all. I tried to purge, but couldnt. I absolutly HATE this. Thats it new fast starting RIGHT NOW..4:17 till next I am forced to eat again. (thats what made me binge.) I think Im going to get my liscence tomarrow. Fimally, then Ill never be home.

Today was horrible I was so depressed. I did good, still fasting, but yea. After my dertamtologist appointment I went to the grocery store with my mom and I had a panic attack. I though I was going to cry, and I almost puked. 4 days of fasting shouldnt do that to you, but maybe Im just fucked up. I HATE HATE HATE school tho. The only way to get out of it is to loose a ton of weight...so my goal is 89 pounds. I want to get hospitalized, yes I hate school that much, but Im still worried about Fred, my horse, and money...does it cost alot? I also have to show my school Im sick enough to leave. I had pretty bad cravings today...I couldnt stop thinking about a salad with fat free italian, or cooked carrots coverd in salt, or green beans...Weird to be fantasizing about vegtables...but hey at least I beak down Its not high cal food right? Anyways I still cant break down because that would mean gaining even if it was vegtables.

So today is my fourth day fasting. Monday I was back up at 120 because of 'family food', Im terrified that Im going to fail my fast, that Im going to fuck up and eat, and of course that means gaining. ew. So my mom hasnt notcied mostly because Ive not been home, and then I pick up food wrappers at school, and act like I just finished eating them when she picks me up. They also increased my prozac to 40 mg's a day so hopefully that will help alot. My main motivation is to get out of school. I cannont describe how much I hate school. My therapist is agaisnt it, My mom is against it, but my dad is like suck it up. Sooo I just have to work extra hard and show him how derastic I can get over it, and I would say that starvation is as derastic as I could get.

I havent weighed myself today since its 1:38, but Monday I lost 2.5 pounds, Tuesday I lost 2 pounds, so yesterday should put me at 114. 2 pounds away from being clinically anorexic. Yay no more bulimia.

So today went like this. Wake up take medicine fall back asleep. Wake up get dressed...eat..I never do that ewww...170 calories...school. Get to school everyone is talking about the staph infection epidemic. Monday there was 1 case in my school, today there were 7. And staph left untreated can kill you...it can also kill you if you are very unhealthy..hmmmm. So I was sure they would marginally care about our health and close the school, but do they...no. So everyone is freaking out and calling there parents, and the parents are calling the school yelling at the school. And its going in a circle and no ones FUCKING DOING ANYTHING...meanwhile more people are getting sick. Its becoming an epidemic in murfreesboro...Im not kidding, ALL the schools are having a mojor issue with it. Just another reason why I reallly hate school. So then I go to my new therapists appointment and she says..."My daughter went to riverdale too, I know exactly what It can do to kids...especailly those with an eating disorder. I would serisouly recommend that you pull her out of it as soon as possible, and homeschool." Right on. My mom agree's my dad doesnt. But If I loose enough enough to get hospitalized then I will def be homeschooled. Only problem...I ate too much today...depressing lonely days always get the worst of me :(.

So...Today was my 'birthday party'...yea I didnt want to have one but my parents were like yea we'll just invite the family over. I said no cake, so my mom made strawberry pretzel salad....it has sugar-free strawberry jello in it. Anyways I still managed to ruin my life more and eat a ton today. Fatty. Tomarrow I am starting a fast, and Im super pumped for it. Especailly since one of my presents was to go to 'Hot Yoga' with my cousin. Keep in mind she's a ballet dancer, and size 00. Anyways...hot yoga, they turn it up to 105 degrees and you do YOGA and sweat the s*** outta you. LIKE AMAZINGLY PUMPED FOR THAT. And then they have this whole night planned...but I have no idea what it is. Maybe its like going to a spa or something. Here I am thinking that my mom hasnt planned anything for my birthday and yea then this haha. I cant describe how excited I am. Fasting until next friday (YOGA DAY)...I should have a power bar before I do that because it burns so many cals they told me to a eat a huge lunch before. Which equals a power bar. :) Can you say thinnnnn.

So I dissapeared off the face of the earth, but Im back now. A lot has happened. Doctors vistits, I have a pyshcotherapist now, a nutritionist, and an internal medicine doctor. They prescribed me prozac...helps to not binge. They also found in my blood work that I have a thyriod problem and thats why its so hard for me to loose weight, because my body wants to store everything I eat as fat. So I have medicine for that now. Went on a retreat for 3 days with campus life....yea I had to eat...whcih led to a binge today. I feel refreashed, full and ready for my 2 week liquid fast. 100% juice, sugarfree jello, and lipton soup (45 cals). Soo....wish me luck. :)

I hate school. I hate the people. I hate my classes. I hate every GOD DAMN thing at my school. Dont ever move your senior year. Its suppose to be fun. Its suppose to go quick. But the day seems to drag out. Long. It makes me binge...Ive gained 10 pounds, Im depressed as hell. Can I say more. I dont even care about riding fred anymore. Last week I was okay, Im going to talk to my couselour stop binging. What does she say? After I basically make her talk about it, she says just avoid the kitchen. Or write. WTF BITCH! She makes me so mad. She also had the nerve to tell me to just stop thinking about food. 'UMMM BITCH I DREAM OF FOOD!!!!!!' She's no help. She makes me feel even more out of control. I have a doctors appointment tuesday to get prozac. Therapist appointment thursday. If they dont prescribe me prozac fuckk it. Fuck life. I might as well just go to school, ride fred, come home and get high. Which is what I will do. It what Im going to do the rest of my life if they dont prescribe me. This is my third therapist. Long-term therapist too. GIVE IT UP. GIVE IN. JUST FUCKING LOOSE WEIGHT YOU FATT ASS.......

I got back on track today. Ate 615 calories burned 745. I should of eaten less but oh well. I forgot to take pictures, but omg jane worked my but off. I have another lesson tomarrow I will take pics then. Her theme this weekend was contact through the outside rein. She's not an Arab fan, but she told jessica she liked him. So I guess that means alot. Tomarrow we are working on laterals. She gave me specific instructions till she comes back in two months. 1) I have to do 50 transitions a day...that will perfect it in less than a month. 2) Work on a square. Not circle, makes all lines straighter, actually works REALLY well. 3)Work on stretching down. Thats were his problem shows up raw...which he's not completly balanced...he just turned 4 tho so duh he's not completly balanced.

Fred does have a new nick name tho haha. Jane said that Arabs come out all proud and cocky, like....a man wearing speedo's. She even mimicked the walk haha....it was the most hilarious thing ever. But she will work your but and your horse butt of. 1 hour of NON STOP riding...and its pretty INTENSE riding. I promise I will take pictures tomarrow tho! :)

So today turned into a binge. It was horrible. I tried and tried to think of what was causing me to binge, as my therapist asked me. I told her I was bulimic so that people would get on my case about eating instead of not eating. Anyways it suddenly hit me and I felt worse. I binge because I am lonely. A severe lonely. Not because 'my friends didnt call me this week' or any stupid teen drama. Die hard fuck life lonely that gets better when I purge somehow....Problem....I under watch from purging so I cant they were sitting in the other room, missed my horrible binge they thought I was just making myself dinner. Damn Damn Damn. I talked to my mom, I was like I need to get out the house when I feel like Im gonna binge. aka Whenever I feel tempted to eat lets go somewhere. Away from the house, to the gym. This plan might all work very well to loose weight. Especailly considering that we never ever have time to eat dinner like a normal family once school starts. And I have always even before my ed eaten dinner by 3-4 o clock. So that would not be out of the norm to say I have already eaten. School starts moday. Thank God for school, and my busy schedual.

So those books for english I was telling you about, one of them actually turned out to be quite good. Its about this man who trades his soul for eternal beauty. And there is some amazing qoutes, that maybe Im weird but I could relate to ed's.

"Because to Influence a person is to Give him one's own soul. He does not think his natural thoughts, or burn with his natural passions. His virtues are not real to him. His sins, if there are such things as sins, are borrowed. He becomes an echo of someone else's music, an actor of a part that has not been written for him. The aim of life is self-development. To realise one's natures perfectly. People are afraid of themselves, nowadays. They have forgotten the highest of all duties, the duty that one ows to oneself. Of course they are charitable. They feed the hungry, and clothe the beggar. But there own souls starve, and are naked. Courage has but gone out of race. Perhaps we never had it."
( Im a loser haha )

But anyways this painter paints a portrait of this charming amazing handsome young man that turns out beautiful, and for the first time sees how good he looks. He suddenly starts to cry and curses and prays that he would give anything to stay this way forever. So in time every sin he commits is a flake and chip in the photograph. It grows olds and ages, and he still looks very young. But the photograph shows his ugly charector because he really does become evil. Everyhatred he commits turns the potrait into a hideaous man...meaning thats his soul. Okay call me a loser, but it was really good...like about good and evil, beauty and ugliness.

What is up with Todd. so he left me these comments about I really miss you I wish I was there right now. Yea he left a couple and then I comment him back and he never returns them. what the fuck is up with that. So for breakfast/lunch I had a bagel....so thats 300 cals. Nothing else today unless Im dragged into dinner where I will eat neg. cals. I hate being a cow, like seriously drives me crazy, and I have the hardest time loosing weight. Seems like I dropped that 30 pounds really quick and then no matter what I do I cant loose. If I fast and workout a ton, I still cant loose. I hate this so much, its not like Im even underweight. I mean for god sakes Im 5'7" and 115. I probly look more. I look obese, I feel obese. I feel like hiding in my room forever. Which btw is what Im doing all day today. I cant tomarrow or this weekend, but that should be fun. Jessica has really been pushing to get me a lesson with her trainer. My parents would normally be like NO because its 90 dollars a lesson, but I was like MOM its not like she lives here she has to fly here from COLORADO just to have her clinic. And Its actually a really good deal considering she went to the FREAKING OLYMPICS! Finally my parents gave in. I have 1 lesson saturday and 1 sunday. Im stoked. She makes you work so hard tho. Last time she made Coleen cry, granted she's a spoiled brat...but she's like 20. Serisously tho who buys there kid a 2005 lexus for nothing. Not even a birthday. Thats quite umm....RIDICULOUS. But that's just me bitching. I know most of you are not horsey people but I think I will take pictures of Fred at our clinic this weekend. Just because Im that horse obssesed and he should look, well awsome.

So Today was pretty good I guess. Here's what I had.

EW. Except for that my mom was like "LETS GO OUT TO LUNCH". I was like "lets go to TOOTS, try them out. I knew that they only had one thing without meat, side salade. So thats what I got, with Fat free dressing, tho I didnt finish it. It was funny on our way back. I was driving, and we pass White castle. My brother's like "oh hey ashley you could work there!" And we all bust out lauging. I was like I would be harrasing the customers going "YOUR GONNA GET FAT!!!!" or "DO YOU KNOW WHAT THATS MADE OF. ITS GOING TO CLOGG YOUR ARTERIES AND DIE!" My mom was like yea they would have to get a restraining order from you. In case you havent figured out I HATE like with a deep passion fast food. My mom always tells me that I have to open up a vegan fast food restraunt and actually get some decent food. Yea right were in the south hun, everyhting here's fried. And you know your in the country with a k when they deep fry hot dogs. It discusts me.
So anyways todays today total I had 237 calories, 5 grams of fat (which all came from veggie cheese. I know, but It has protien and I become SEVERLY ANEMIC if I dont have at least one serving. 37 carbohydrates, and 17 grams of Protien.

Everything was from vegtables except for 3 things.
1 oz. Veggie cheese
1 tblsp. Fat Free Ranch
4 oz. Dannon Light and fit.
That makes 124 calories, Meaning that the remaing 113 calories are technacally negative calories.

btw. Sorry my post is not that exciting. I have 3 dreadfully boring novels to read before school starts next week. But the good news is I made it to English 4 Honors.

So it looks like Im not going to go to bed again tonight....thats the 3rd night in a row....Im gonna look like Im 50 soon If I dont start falling asleep. Anyone got any idea's. I lay down for hours and I just toss and turn, I can never get to sleep. :(

So this made me think. Why would the "Pro-ana" want this. Because its glamorized. If you go through all the trouble of calling yourself anorexic, I hope you get this pain that comes with it. I hope if you go through all the trouble of somehow "becoming" anorexic that you see what it's really like. "Anorexia is the most self-consuming, selfish disease." It makes you want to scream, but you cant because you will be discovered for who you really are. Ugly, inside and out.





Dont get me wrong, I do have a livejournal for my eating disorder, but wanting to talk about it with someone who understands is way different that learning to have an eating disorder. Im not here to judge those people that truly have this disorder. Just posting this to let you know that if you are "looking to get on" or helping people get one, thats there's something wrong with that. I would never wish this on my worst enemy.

I not saying anyone of you is a wanna, I'm just ranting about them.

You know the Drill...comment to be added :)